Moriarty in reality's Diary

When in doubt!

A slew of questions arises as the day came to a close, all of which seemed concentric around a single problem. Was it after all true? Were all the incessant nagging, fighting, standing up for oneself, being there for someone when they needed it, lending a shoulder to cry on hoping that one day the favor be returned, those longing nights for a simple good night kiss, those moments that seldom fade away in a busy life, those happy moments that seemed so easily attainable yet so far away, all these and more, were all these mere acts in a play? Was this life to be, after all, burdened by a meager instinct, an instinct to act upon and be the man I am and always will be. Being myself; is that the biggest crime of this century?

Why is it that a soul cannot lay bear to witness what the other is capable of, and worst yet to accept what it is with an open mind? Why is it that a prostitute no more cleaner than the neighboring sanitary worker? She is a human after all, so is everyone! Why is it that you pounce on the first opportunity to topple the other, because you couldn't handle his success or that your ideas were better than his? I bet on the former. Why is it that a man wearing a pink shirt assumed to be gay? He likes pink, It's his opinion! Why is it that you could drag a million to make believe a falsity just so you could not handle the truth? Why is it that your feelings matter, and that even in a so called "relationship" you could value a woman you barely knew and break up, just because you didn't bother to check on it yourself? Why would you keep a business partner in dark, so you could make an extra dollar, maybe his mother is dying of cancer, wherein your need just a luxury? On what basis does the money you have make you any better a person than the homeless guy across the street? What gave you the right to sneak your hand up that short skirt lady standing in the bus? Who says a man doesn't cry? So the woman next door had an affair with someone, who asked you to debate upon her morals?

What are these questions? Why are men judging men and why is the fear of God instilled upon us if a definitive answer is impossible to come by for what we term as "equality"? If all and greatness is what everyone is destined for then who shall be the evil in the plot of the play? If God really existed, would he then pull you out of the street and place you in an apartment in downtown NY?

These questions, these unanswered questions, they haunt me, taunt me, in my sleep, in my walk, in my thoughts, when I eat, when I go about my regular duties. Why, what, when, where and how is all that matters, but the eternal question of the proverbial "they" in all adages seems unanswered still; if so, what gives him the knowledge and the question of legitimacy to his words remain in doubt. Is it then safe to assume that we all are puppets in a big playhouse curated by a mere child in her playroom? Who are we? What are we? Why are we like so? And what will become of us when the child's too old to play?

To explain the circumstance of this article as of now; requires a prelude. One that has formed itself through the string of actions and the choices I made during the course of this year, and perhaps this shall be the most influential year of my life yet. The “yet” then, signifies an essential part of my growth towards my beliefs and the reasoning that influence my daily decisions. A clear and decisive path is always hard to come by in this chaotic varied life. But I intend to put a label on things that I would refrain from committing to. Scars of yesteryears mistakes are deep but healed in mysterious ways. As life takes its 22nd year turn to teach me to find happiness; most of all peace in my hungry quest towards what I like to think, a well-disciplined life. A 22nd year revelation towards adulthood that shall shape my future into what-not and what-will!
Things that have changed are quite simple, but it’s implications in life are severe and by a large extent a relief. And here they start:
When you’re held back by an educational path that doesn’t seem to catch your interest, shift to one that seems interesting, make life worthwhile when you still can. Once a career path is sorted out, a shift to my personal life was in due from 3years. My retention level for bullshit had reached a null. You either made a significant sense in my life or you found yourself hurt by the cruelty of my distancing you. Through six relationships and many other women seen, each one different from another, I realized that talking about them was a pure waste of time. All of life and human existence itself was based on the fact that we are blessed with a gift to love and be loved. A sensation that we dearly pay for in terms of physical and mental health; Relationships play a major role on the outlook of who and what you are in terms of a person and jumping in and out of relationships and flings made for a shoddy appearance; dates, gifts, movies, romance, candle-lit dinners, flirting, all of these make sense if put in proper use to the proper person. People grow and letting them grow even if it means to question the existence of the relationship would be wise for a gentleman; And that there was the best part of this year.
And that then was the prelude to this article in defining who I am as person now as opposed to who I was. Today it wouldn’t if you liked me or hate me for the man I am because I know none of it will make any impact to me. Today if you made the slightest significance in my life by providing me a support towards a peaceful life and an uninterrupted view of my envisioned goal, you then, are a person that I shall value with the deepest respect from my heart. Today, if you shall ask me to change for your benefit I would shove you aside and walk past you without regrets. Today if you asked me if I would love to be social or a loner, I would gladly be a loner. Being to myself I realized fueled an inner inspiration towards creativity and dreams that, to some remain so; urging me to make them a reality; I am a man of strong will, I shall get what I want and I shall strive towards whatever it is I aim for. And in that sense with the turn of 2014, I shall have grown out as individual who truly understands himself and shall remain to be himself despite the chaos that surround him. I am a man with certain principles, principles that I shall not betray for you or for anyone and especially for none of those from my past; and in these principles my faith lay and not in you. My actions more severe than the my lest spoken words, my love of life and to discover greater than anything there shall ever be. I shall be unique and true to my name!
What a year!

At this point in my life, when the walls of solitary confinement are the highest, I doubt but a few would know what I am really up to, and my intentions in continuing this terminal journey. I never realized that I would be sitting in my room jotting down those that I had achieved, because, from when I thought I was someone who would fit the world in, as much as a rock would, of absolutely no cause but to turn to soil someday; to today where the victories I had forced me to put it on record. I do not praise upon my work as that something which coincides with the laureates of our time. But I would definitely consider it no less than what the average man would otherwise be proud of. I still wonder sometimes as to legitimacy of my claims on the use of the resources I have, to the dreams that seemed to so persistently haunt me. I kept beckoning to the almighty that there might have been a dreadful mistake that I was born into a middle class family, where rather I seemed fit to be the son of an aristocrat. But what kept me anchored is the hundreds and thousands that lived a life where happiness was a genuinely rare commodity. I was brought up in a fairly decent way, not flattered with silverware, but welcomed as a rarity. For it was I, who was the eldest son to the succeeding generation of my family. Always given top priority, I never seemed to take it to my advantage. And that profoundly interested my parents in my character. They desired the best for their son and so they sacrificed many a luxury for the betterment of me, in the hopes that I would grow up to be reasonably well established myself.

My schooling was as close to exciting as a cold cucumber on a winter’s morning. Although it did provide for a fundamental knowledge of the world and information on certain subjects that confused me of their explicit usage in life, it however, did not seem to divulge in changing my attitude or character. I was on the margin of obesity and I was found to be the center of entertainment, and perhaps I was the center of the universe itself according to theories concocted by the innocent minds of a time when shorts were our uniforms! I did not provide for an easy job for the teachers of our class, and was more often outside the class rather than inside it. Punishment had a certain tinge of excitement to it, that I grew overly fond of. Soon I found myself in a very serious circumstance, the reasons for which eluded me back then. The passing of the tenth grade. It seemed more of a ceremony than a test of knowledge. Suddenly our human counterparts in the name of relatives found a certain affection towards my activities in school. After judiciously securing an average, I was pat on the back and an advice about how life began from then on was imparted on me by everyone I met. I thought that that must have been a popular monologue, that seemed to be too popular to be forgotten. Repetitive reciting were a vital part of a good memory, and so I was convinced.

At this point I had practically contacted none of those concerned as to how much of an impact a proper pre-university college had on the forthcoming years after. And I turned up to be a part of a college that seemed to have no particular interest in the betterment of it’s students. I’d rather not indulge in the pitfalls of a college that thought me so much in life, not educational knowledge, but life’s most important lesson. And it is that lesson that I wish to cover in this article.

I have always been wanting to cover this topic in the years that I started writing, but I could never put forth a step towards my wish for reasons that seemed too obvious. If I were to have written about it three years ago, furious relatives would have poured upon my parents phone as to the outrageous and preposterous deed I was up to at such a juvenile age. If I were to have written about it two years ago, it would have only spanned about an average paragraphs length that covered nothing more than but a vague choice of sentences. At that time, I wasn't bothered about this, and to a certain extent preoccupied with the things that went on during the admissions and the entry to a graduate college. But what followed after, was completely unexpected, although not in connection with my college, there ran two threads simultaneously in my life, and both went on to teach things that enlightened me and pushed me towards depression at the same time. Even today, as I stand at a vantage point, being able to look down on what happened is still like staring at a blurred mirage. I am unable to determine what exactly happened due to the lack of good memory.