Kasturi nic's Diary

It dates back to the time when I too had a "best friend". When I didn't need to go around bitching to other girls about something. When I had a living diary, who'd not only listen to all my stuff, but, would also support me through all walks of my life.

Well, it all started one fine day in 2007, when I was in standard eighth. A new girl entered our bus, timid and nervous. With her heads bowed down, she walked forward and took her seat by me. That place was meant for my friend who'd board the bus at the next stop, but, somehow, I just couldn't deny her the seat. All the way to school, we didn't utter a word to each other. I sat next to her, cursing myself for not being able to say no to her. And also, for not being able to initiate a conversation.

Later I found out that she joined my section.

From the little conversations in bus... to waving at each other in the classes... We slowly became friends... Really good friends!

We went to school together... chatting all the while in the bus. She sat in front of me in the class. We'd do all our home works, assignments, projects together. We'd sit in the class fighting over our lunch. Wherever we went, we'd be together. Well, even to the washrooms!
For two years, we went to the same tuition class, holding our hands. We celebrated all our festivals together. We shared all our little gossips. We talked about all our secret crushes. There was nothing in my life, that was hidden from her. And I don't think there was anything in her life that was hidden from me; even though, she was an introvert to the world.

When I reached 10th standard, I came to know that we were shifting to a different part of the city; near my school. That was a really disheartening news for me and my friend. I still remember how we had cried over that news... cried on the day I was leaving. I knew, I'd still be meeting her every day at school, but, I didn't know how was I to spend the rest of my hours without her! We would no longer be able to go for those morning walks together. We would no longer be able to shop out together. Who'd be there with me at my leisure? Who would I rush to, for all my bitching? Who'd I do my assignments with? Who'd I share all my crazy stories with?
There happen to be only 6 hours of school, and unfortunately, the major portion of our lives was now to be spent without each other.

After 10th, we remained in that school only and had now started sitting adjacent to each other.
Now, the world knew we were best buddies. No one would speak of me without her. It was so obvious that if I was going somewhere, so was she. If she was doing something, so was I. If she'd get involved in any kind of nuisance, there was no need to mention my company with her.

We had great moments together...!!
I do not remember a single merriment or misery of my teenage that doesn't involve her.

But, all of that was only until we kept meeting each other. After the school ended, our lives took a sudden twist. Her recluse nature started coming in between our friendship.
She'd never call or text me. She'd never propose to meet me. I knew she still loved me, but, now when I'd try to find my best friend at need, I'd be unfailingly let down. She wouldn't even know that I needed her. Well, how would she? She was an introvert; happy all alone!

Now regrettably, I am recollecting all that love in despair. I know she still cares about me... She still has affection for me. But, if she doesn't bring herself to express her concern about me soon, I am sure, I wouldn't be able to keep my heart convinced for long.
Lately, what has happened is that, she didn't wish me on Diwali. More than a fortnight has passed since then. I am angry with her and she doesn't know!
I hope she calls me up soon so that, I am able to ascertain the fact that I'm still her best friend.
If not, this reminiscence is fittingly done in "past tense"... A friendship, meant to be forever, would become a memory to enliven my life.

I really miss you sweetheart! Life is so arid without you by my side!

I'm reminded of all that again... about how we've been together... about all that we were.
And reminded is such a wrong word... When are you not with me? Have you and I ever been separated? I don't have a moment as such in my life... being "separated from you" has no meaning to me.
But then, what kind of a guy have I chosen for myself? Someone who can't even bother himself about his own life? Someone who was never quite sincere for me? Who kicked me off in a moment?
This is the guy I'm living my life for...
Four years elder to me, yet less mature.
Has never bothered himself for my tears, but, calls me up whenever he's in need.
Doesn't respect a person in his life.
Talks crap all the time.
Has the least bit of care about his future, and has left that in my hands.

Yes, I have those beautiful moments with me, but, along with that I also remember every time he's ditched me. I'd go crying to him, but, he'd not even come to know about that. When I asked him to explain me why he left me, every next time I'd be given different answers... Non of which have ever seemed genuine to me. For almost a year, I kept calling him every now and then in the hope that he must have changed... That maybe he too misses me, but, dares not to speak. But, never has the response changed. He'd greet me with all the frustration of his life, caring less about what I must have been going through.
While we were together, he would be the one to make those promises... I'd stand by you... I'd never leave your hands... You are all I have... And what not. But, he is now the one to be backing out... Pretending he never really loved me.
And me? Am I anything less than a lunatic?
Now when he calls me up, I'm so glad to hear him. He keeps me up all night for support... Saying all crap things to get me down... love is nothing but, shit... You too would change one day... Even stuff like, you're quite retro typed, narrow minded...
And me? I love to hear him insult me. I love to see him dependent on me. I don't care if he's not been there, but, my vow for being there for him goes on.

Sometimes, when certain guys propose to me... Guys who are great friends with me... Guys who are no less than the ideal kind... When they swear their true love to me and I know they are true towards me, the only thing I feel is regret. Deep regret.
I regret falling in love before time. I regret falling in love with the wrong kind of guy. I regret being in a sincere relationship with a guy who never cared about my feelings a bit.

Why did it have to be you angel? Why?
Why did you leave me? Why did you swear love on me, when you didn't mean it? How can't you care about me at all?
Some of your behaviors really are inhuman. We've known each other for nine and a half years now... And even then, you got not even that human affection for me. You literally treat me like a toy.
Why did it have to be you? Why you? Why YOU?

I wish I could make all the lizards around me talk to me... There's so much brewing up in me that I'd like to share with them... So many things that I could tell them...
I'd have probably told them how much I hate their presence around me...in a pleasant way for sure. Then I'd tell them, they're frightening. I'd tell them to stop bugging me every now and then... That if they really wanna get under my bed... Or somewhere else in my room, why don't they chose some time when I'm not in the room? Why do they chose only my corner of the room to live in? Aren't they afraid of the peacock's feather I've kept on my table? Would they go away if I start using egg shells in my room? And then, there is 1 big question that never stops banging my head... Why don't they live in jungles?... Or beneath the trees?... Or in the bushes? Why are our houses so dear to them?
Well there's one more thing that's quite austere... Every time I'm stuck in a place with a lizard, it feels like she's staring at me... Like she's keeping a watch over me... Like she's mocking at me!
Oh! I wish lizard's could talk in my tongue!
I'd have told them politely to go away from my life and I'd give them anything in return.
Oh! If lizards could talk to me!

Today its about you... All about you.
I was thinking and analyzing our love story... The times we've spent together... Countless precious moments that we've lived... That amazing journey of us... Our's is certainly an incomparable love story.
Two crazy lovers... Living all their moments breathing into themselves, each other's name and identity... Coloring their souls with each other's... Praying... Wishing... Playing... Fighting... Loving... Hating... Living together!
But, when you look at us... We seem separated. Separated and independent... What we can never be... But, in a way are.
Life is as crazy as us... Had it not been so, we'd be lying together now... Hand in hand... Breaths intertwined.
But, dusting off the flaky cover that life and its craziness has dawned upon us... We are one. We were one. And we are so for life.
So not only this entry... My life is all about you. It starts from... Moves around... And ends at... You.

I don't know why is this happening to me this time...
Ever since I've stepped a foot on this college's ground, I've maintained a very low profile... I am no more the same loud girl, who keeps freaking out every time... I don't talk to many boys out here... I don't have any serious friendship yet... I don't talk or laugh or chill out much... I dress simply and remain simple...not interfering into other's business... Not even looking at the guys by my side. But, this seems to have no effect at all on the pranksters around me.
So, the thing is that, some really complicated story is going on in the boy's hostel involving me... Its like, they've taken me as a target and have decided to mock me. Some boy would come up at random on facebook and swear his love for me... Then the whole matter would spread in the college like a fire... And then, all around me would be only his talks. Twice has such a thing happened to me.
I don't know whom to trust and whom not to. The one behind this is sure to be my friend.
And then, why am I being made their target? I have done nothing to deserve someone's hatred out here... People merely know about me!
God knows what it is... But, if this continues, my exams are going to be hell screwed up.

There are so many things that I intend to write now... No start is going to be a perfect one today... So I'm starting random...
Well, its my exam time and I'm getting totally freaked out over it. As always, I haven't prepared well for my papers and queued up all of the study for the last time. And as always, I don't seem to pick a bit of what I read now. And if things continue being this way, I'm quite certain, all my exams are screwed up!
Then, I'm falling for a boy from my class and the worst of all stuff is that he too has a little crush over me. This particular fact is screeching me the most. How can I even think of some one save Angel? I love him. I sill do. And with all the same intensity. Then why am I thinking of this new guy so much? Why am I getting jealous of other girls who talk to him? Why am I worried about his health and studies? Why does it bother me when he replies late to my messages? Why can't my ego interrupt while I'm messaging crap to him? Why can't I hold on all my concern and excitement to myself?
Is this love?
Can love happen twice? Hell, no!
But then, what the fuck is this austere feeling called?
No, I certainly don't love this new boy, but then, I have to admit , that something's really very wrong about all of this.

But, I swear, I won't take a wrong step... I'll always remain loyal to my angel...even though he wasn't...
My love is there to last... For infinity... And beyond that!

Just done watching The Devil Wears Prada... one of my favorite movies for sure.
There ought to be some thoughts lingering over as I complete watching a flick like this. I was wondering, if life gave me a chance, what will I chose? Relationships / Dreams?
Would I go for my dreams, leaving behind all my closed ones? Would I go for my dreams, leaving behind all the fun? Would I go for my dreams, leaving behind my angel?
Well, it always felt like I wouldn't, but, now I'm quite certain that I would.
For the dreams that I've cherished since so long, I would do anything. Almost everything!
I can leave behind this crazy world to fly towards my dreams with my arms outstretched!
I know, it sounds mean, but, that's what I've become nowadays.
Why should anyone give up his career for someone who he seems to love? That one will definitely never stand by your side. But, your dreams can be your life. They can give you a life and stand by your side.
And to my dreams, I devote this life!

Oh mai to bhul gayi fir qa wordings the..
something..something.. jailhouse rock!!

Got fresher's party tomorrow... Giving a 1 minute performance...
But, is it going to be a 1 minute performance indeed? I've pondered over more than 17 songs... sung the same trio in front of at least 50 people, most of who I didn't know before today. So finally after practicing 9 hours endlessly, I've fixed up my choice as "Jailhouse Rock" of "We Are Family"... I know this one's a bit cranky, but, ain't I so too? Wild... Carefree... Rocking!!!
But, would I rock out there tomorrow? When I'd be pushed upon that stage... facing a crowd of about 500 people... I don't know how will I manage to stand upright.
The other day when I performed on the stage... I was looking up at the sky while singing a rock song... Crazy as I am!!
If the same happens this time, I'm going to receive only boos... Even my song isn't a melodious one. And how many people around me really care about rock anyways?
But, anyways, I'm feeling quite confident just because of the song I've chosen. I know I'll rock no matter what I sing or how I sing!! I always rock!!
Now, that's the spirit!! I am really my favorite!!
And yeah, LET'S ROCK!!

Today is my ex boyfriend's brother's birthday. I called him up at net 12 being the first 1 to wish him through the phone. He's actually more of my friend than my ex's brother...and quite a good one. When I found out that his brother hadn't wished him, I called him up to remind him. I knew that he'd forget to wish him... He'd always been quite poor with remembering such stuff about people... Thank goodness, he never forgot my birthday while we were together!!
So, I called him up to remind him. To my surprise, he remembered it this time and to my shock, neither had he wished him, nor did he have any intentions to. Well, why would you do that to your own brother? How can ego creep in such a pious relationship?
Then, there was something in the way he talked to me that wasn't quite justified... He seemed to be irritated due to the fact that I wished his brother so late at night. It was like, he was jealous. But then, why would he be jealous of his brother? He always knew how sincere my love for him is, even after one and a half years of our break-up. And then, he doesn't even love me anymore, right?
Sometimes, its really very hard to figure out... Such a long time has passed since we broke up, which was completely his choice... He knows how I love him... So why doesn't he speak up if he wants me? And if he doesn't, what do I infer from these little signs that he keeps giving me?
Maybe, I'm wrong. Maybe, there are no signs at all. Maybe, I've got so desperate about him that all that he says is evaluated that way by me. But, am I really wrong?
If that love is only my past and will always be so... Why can't I simply accept the fact?
But, the love in me keeps growing every day. And no matter how you are... No matter what you did to me... I keep loving you on and on and on... And will love you till the end.

Hey! This is Kasturi nic. This is my first post at writerbabu. A friend of mine sent me an invitation to this. I had been bugging her a lot recently.... Please tell me what do I do with my poems?... How do I build up my audience?... How do I make people read me?... How do I find out if what I write is worthy of being read or not?
Though I own a blog on Facebook, it doesn't satisfy me. Most of people who've liked my page are biased. None of them have any idea of how I read. Some don't even read. I sometimes feel like telling them... At this stage of my life, as I'm starting to share what I write, I need critisism. What I want is comments in place of likes. But, since that doesn't seem to happen there, I kept poking Shivangi di... And this is where I'm starting afresh!
Though, I've just made this account and no one-absolutely no one-knows about this... It's giving me a very warm feeling. Maybe, writing among writers would yield some fruitfull results... Maybe, this start to blogging would give a start to my professional life...
Whatever may it end up to be, I realy wish that my readers take in a bit of extra time and be my critics...
Happy reading!!