FOR MY SOUL's Diary

I am feeling like a dumb being right now....had I completely lost it...why i had to go there...just like a complete idiot....people have changed now...people will keep on changing...I am really afraid to get attached to anyone now...because ones they have their work down or if we turn them down...they treat us like a bloody choice....but now....i had enough...i know my worth now....and i wont anymore let people take advantage of me.......
I was wrong to think that things are falling into place...because a broken glass can never be mended to the same as before....Thank you for letting me experience this....
lost...hurt....broken...YET AGAIN....

I need to go...no one will stop me or bind me by laws.....i will be where i want to be soon....hoping for the best to happen...

that feeling when a big tension is finally released from your mind and heart....hushhhhh....feeling relived and free and happy too...things are finally falling into place....cant simply stop smiling...haha...

Feeling stuck.....trapped...handcuffed.....plzzz let me go away....away from all this mess....i need peace...i need to breathe.......i need to live and die at the same time.....Leave me alone for bloody someone's sake....

Its been tough time...though i survived....proud to call myself a survivor rather than a victim....

Last day of college....farewell bells...some hidden tears behind those laughs...some unsaid promises behind those smiles....hopefully some frnds will never detach themselves away from me....will miss this place however shady it may be...
I AM GONNA MISS MY COLLEGE DAYS.....

AAh.....yesterday it was one of the most enjoyable day....we freinds had a great time together....memories captured for a life.....food cake dance music clicks everything was super dupper fun....

OK...today there was nothing special....like any other day...but definitely my mood is in control hahaha for the first time in these few months...
But still I will be fine when evryting will be sorted for once and all...

Hey my sweetie....missed you like hell.
You know they tell the truth that whenevr we face a situation that we have no one to go to....we remember that our soul is tied with us till our last breathe....
LIFE IS GOING WITH TWIST N TURNS ALL OVER....this seven months have brought a lot of change.....i feel depressed and happy at the same time....i feel invisible even when gathered by people all over....i feel like a piece of damn thing but very special at the same time.....
LOOK I AM SAYING TALKING DOING RUBBISH I KNOW.....BUT I CAN TRUST THAT YOU WILL SURELY UNDERSTAND MY MOOD SWINGS MY CONDITION...
Please stay with me never leave me alone....i need you i never say this but yes... I NEED YOU MY SOUL....

hey Back to present....you must be thinking what happened to that little girl...well she is still waiting for her dad....her eyes are not yet tired and her heart has not given up...this is what we called trust umm or BLIND FAITH....because after all this she is still hoping that he will return...even after 10 years her eyes are still searching him...

Every morning I wish, today it will be better but now I am used to this. Dad had not come to meet me and not even called me for last three months, I missed him... I missed my home. Yes now we were staying at nani’s place I don’t know why I had to stay here, I asked mamma that why can’t we stay in our house but never got answers for my questions only cold stares and tears welcomed my question.
Aditi maushi called that night, she stayed in USA after her marriage and used to call nana nani every weekend.
‘How are you Shreya? When is the school reopening? How is Ashok mama?’ I never had the answer for this last question but I was told to lie her that papa is in Delhi, transferred from office. But was broken from inside, I dreaded the haunting thoughts that were hovering in my mind.
School reopened in the second week of June, I’m in 4th grade now but I was not at all interested. Everything was different, unusual and unexpected but the worst was yet to happen…waiting for its turn. I walked alone to the school not because it was near to nani’s house but mamma was not there at home she had joined some course to start teaching in schools.
Finally they had to tell me the truth that I never wanted to hear.
‘Appu, your father is missing since three months we are searching him, tried all possible ways but still there is no clue of him. He went out that night when you came to nani’s place and didn’t return,’ mamma told in a broken voice me with tears filled eyes. I was shattered, too young to digest this truth but I had to live with it. I cried, cried harder. I was broken completely, started hating my life wanted to end it soon but I couldn’t. It was the worst I had ever faced and at this age I felt helpless and useless. But now there was no escape I had started living with it…that damn thing was killing me from inside…that thing was broken trust…
Back to the routine, school started and my tests were going to start next week. I was behaving normal because I didn’t wanted anyone to sympathize with me and also I wanted to assure mamma that I’m fine and have accepted this life as it is.
‘Shreya what is this, I didn’t expect this marks from you…its decided you are going to classes now,’ mamma said very angrily and disappointed. But I had no answer for this as if this was where my marks are limited. But I didn’t argue and agreed to go for private classes, just next to where I ‘m staying now.
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It’s my first day here and I’m nervous to see so many new faces, it reminds me of my first day at school and I remember how papa had handled the situation where I was crying to let him go…I just brush off the thoughts when Neeta teacher enters. She is very sweet and I feel a bit comfortable in her presence….and then….I meet some people who I had not imagined will be my best friends forever.
‘Can I share the textbook with you,’ she asked with smile and next moment I was hugging her…yes Nikita was here, she had also joined this classes.
‘Niki…!!! Why didn’t you tell me that you are joining here’ she said she wanted to surprize me. But now I was happy that I had my best friend to my side. ‘Excuse me, Neeta teacher has told me to share this notes with you. But please don’t talk while we are studying, I want to concentrate because teacher said she will take test day after tomorrow on this chapter,’ both of us were stunned at this sudden notice and moreover we were not at all impressed by this boy who sounded so rude and arrogant. Later we got to know his name is Rohit and he is also in our school though I don’t remember him seeing in school, but it doesn’t matter or didn’t matter then.
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Time flew by and unknowingly we became really good friends, we used to study together and had lots of fun.
‘Where is your dad and what does he do?’ Rohit had asked this question when we were in 6th grade but I had turned it down changing the topic. After that no one ever asked me about my papa may be they had sensed that something was wrong.
Mamma is now working in a private school and still trying her best to forget whatever happened but it was not easy neither for her nor for anyone else. But at least I had learned to be happy whenever everyone was around. I had learned to fake the smile which hid all the sorrows…but I was doing it only for mamma, she was even happy with my marks now and her smile was a reason enough for me to live.

Nothing can be more relaxing then a deep sleep that too in the summer vacations without any tension of homework. I was at my nani’s place even Rishab had come, I had finished my third grade and results were out and I was passed to fourth grade and school is to reopen in the month of June. But before that it was now time to enjoy summer, though it was too hot here but I liked summers because mangoes were out in this season.
My sleep was broken by some unusual sounds, I saw around Rishab was still sleeping. But those voices had not gone down in fact they were increasing but I was too lazed to go out and find out. But I could now recognise those voices and sounds, cries. Moaning and I could hear some people talk then I learned that it is my nani and Rishab’s mom dad, ‘when did they arrive? It wasn’t planned.’
Yes now I was confused when did they come and that to at such a short notice. Something was wrong I woke Rishab up and he was also surprised but happy that his mum dad came here.
‘He did this to us, I still can’t believe. We trusted him so much why did he do so? What wrong we did to him to punish us like this?’ nani was saying this in breaks as she was sobbing. We both were taken aback and felt uneasy in this atmosphere, even Rishab’s mom, Rashmi maushi was crying and mama was trying to console them and nanu was sitting silent. I had never seen such a scene at nani’s place though I was familiar to those cryings but for now I wanted to find out what was happening
I was going to utter something but before that maushi saw me, just came hugged me and started crying, ‘beta don’t worry, everything will be fine soon.’ I wanted to tell her that I was fine because I didn’t know anything but words didn’t came out.
All this was too much and I couldn’t take it anymore with a straight face I asked, ‘what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing beta our relative in village passed away so we are all sad, you go brush and freshen up you also go Rishab,’ mama responded before anybody could say anything. I was convinced by this news.
‘But where is mamma? She don’t know that our relative passed away and when did you both come here? Did you wanted to surprize us?’ I had many questions to ask but before I could get my answers I saw something which confused me even more. Mamma came running inside and went to hug nani and started crying very badly and she was followed by Mohan kaka, Ram kaka and Mansi kaku my Dad’s brothers.
Now this was too much and went inside annoyed as I knew something else was the matter . ‘ Appu whats happening out and why is everyone here crying?’ Rishab was worried but how could I answer him when I was confused myself.
I was hurt by the ambience at nani’s place, what was happening everyone came but where was he. My eyes kept searching him but there was no clue of him. Papa had not come to meet me since four five days and I was missing him because it was unusual. Whenever during summer vacations I was at nani’s place he used to visit me every two days but now it had been a week and he didn’t turn up.
‘Mamma where is papa? He is so busy that he didn’t come to meet me, it’s been a week now,’ I said frowning. But no one responded, there was dead silence.
I started crying…no one was answering to my questions and had been ignoring me.
It is all black there, my eyes are hurting by this darkness but I cannot walk away I’m stuck up. I try to move but I am not able to, I want to scream but my throat is dry and I can’t speak. It feels I’m a statue, but suddenly I see a bright spot and I try to walk toward it. ‘Shreya getup its late how much will you sleep…as if you are the only one having vacations in this world, getup now.’ It was nani.
Things had turned different, sweet voices had turned stern and cold. I felt trapped but I was lost. No one would ever understand how it felt. I missed him, I missed papa but I didn’t say anything because I knew I would get the same response.
‘Papa has gone to Delhi beta, he has been transferred there and he will come after some days to meet you,’ mamma and everyone else tried to soothe me but I knew there was something else. But I showed as if I’m convinced and kept silent, but I was scared to find the truth. This lie was more comforting.
*****
Sometimes things change unexpectedly, life takes a steep turn that you almost fall out. But it makes you strong enough to fight for yourself. I was afraid of knowing the truth because I knew whatever it was…it had made a big difference to my family and that lie was better. I was just eight and wasn’t really prepared for it but this is what my fate had in it pockets.
I was confused but more than that I was scared…shit scared because I had never seen something like this everyone was upset crying saying something about him…but I didn’t know who that “him” was. I felt enraged as those voices grew more and started to get in my veins…I was feeling angry sad at the same time but worst was I found myself helpless.
*****

Eight years later,
It’s my birthday today and I’m going to turn 8 years old. Preparations were made a day before for the party, mamma and papa had ordered my favourite cake and all my friends and relatives were invited. Mamma had bought me a beautiful dress, I was excited like every child to go to school as it was the only day we were allowed to attend classes in colourful dress and not that boring uniform. Chocolates were packed to distribute to all students of my class. I went to school enthusiastically, hopping all the way down. Now I’m sure you must have got the images of your school days, you must be excited the same way as I am.
‘Happy birthday Arpita,’ my best friend Nikita came running to wish me. I placed two chocolates in her hand and waved mamma goodbye, holding hands together we went inside the school and everyone started wishing me as they all know it’s my birthday looking at my attire.
Everything went as expected, everyone clapped their hands singing the birthday song and then I distributed chocolates. After school I went home and again as expected, the hall was decorated with balloons and crepe papers, savouries were prepared and the most awaited…cake had arrived. I ran to the fridge to take a glance and like every kid I was mesmerised to see such a yummy cake.
Papa had not come yet but I knew he would surely come before party starts and like every year I would cut the cake holding my parents hands. I have the albums of all my birthdays and in every photo I’m cutting cake holding my parents hands. It made me feel so secure as they did not let my hand go with knife it made me feel safe.
‘Appu, beta come and freshen up. You have to dress up and be ready before your friends come.’ Yes I was called Appu at home, I just don’t get the concepts of nicknames and its make me go red when mamma calls me by that name in front of my friends. I hope you understand how it feels when you parents call you by random names pinki chinku minku whatever. I got ready and by 6 in the evening friends and relatives started arriving. I was the star kid of the evening being the ‘birthday girl’. We played games, danced, sang and had lots of fun but now was the time to cut the cake.
‘Mamma, where is papa? He knew that party was to start at 6 and now its 7.30 still he has not come from office.’ I was annoyed and sad because he had promised to come on time.
‘Arpita you should cut the cake now or your friends will get late to go home. Wait I will bring the cake out, chalo bacha party time to cut the cake gather here everybody,’ Mansi aunty said trying to cheer me up. The cake was cut and party went on with great pomp, all my friends and relatives went home after the party and after some time papa came. I was so sad that I didn’t touch a single gift to open them.
That night I was very upset, ‘ I don’t want to talk to you papa, you had promised to come on time but you did not turn up. This is not fair…katti.’ I said and went to sleep still angry.
‘Appu bacha sorry I was stuck up with some work, but I have brought you a gift come see this.’ I got up with sparking eyes and ran to him, ‘papa wow a big Barbie set, I wanted this from so long. Thank you papa I’m so happy.’ This made my day, a gift had made my day…I was happy and forgot instantly that papa didn’t come to party. I was not so matured then to find out why papa had come late.
I had faith on him and trusted all his words…after all he is my superhero… Papa is fun loving and is very easy going, but sometimes it feels like he is not the person I know. Mamma is a housewife very simple at heart, talkative and yeah strict while taking my studies. But she is very loving and takes care of the house very well.
‘Goodnight mamma papa,’ I said and slept with smile on my face.
*****
I was happy…because I didn’t knew what was waiting for me ahead. I wish I could have stopped the time then and there, I could have captured those moments forever in my heart as there was no turning back then. I have images crystal clear in my eyes, those dreadful nights, cries. I can still hear that fights, arguments echoing in my ears...tears dried on my skin. Whenever I try to remember those moments a tear unknowingly runs down my cheek but I try to hold them back because I don’t want those memories to fade away with those tears…
*****

Here is a story of a little girl I want to share....like uski kahani meri zubani...
A common girl with an uncommon life...
The sun was getting ready to set, it slowed down its heat and let calmness take over… with the bliss in wind I was born to the person whom I love so much, my mamma. She is eldest among her sisters…Shilpa, first child to my nana nani. She was married with great pomp, lavishly to Ashok…umm my papa.
‘Congratulations Mr.Nayak you are now father of a very cute princess,’ said the doctor to my father. His happiness knew no bounds, he thanked the doctor and rushed to see mamma but was a bit confused to see the atmosphere inside. My nani had tears in her eyes and even mamma looked upset but he had no idea what was the reason for their disappointment.
Yes you have guessed it right, they were sad because I was born…my mamma and nani were wiping off tears because, I, a girl was born. Yes even I couldn’t believe this when I got to know about it after many years. Papa was annoyed and made everyone understand that they should stop being upset and should not have such narrow thinking. Slowly everyone let that matter close…thankfully.
My mamma stayed at nani’s place for some months till naming ceremony took place. Many astrologers and pandits were consulted regarding my future and based on many information as they said ‘rashi nakshtra’ my naming ceremony date was fixed. I had earned many fans haha, everyone was now attached to me…I was not left alone for a second. I was chubby and easily got mixed with everyone.
Finally the big day arrived everyone was excited for this ceremony because since when they had started listing names for me, but my mamma had a name already in her mind and was adamant on her opinion. Everyone was present for the ceremony even my great grandpa and great grandma, but a very important person was missing which was unexpected and also unacceptable by other elderly people…my papa…
Yes he had not come for my naming ceremony only my aunt that is my father’s elder sister Ramya aunty and her children Aditya and Anika didi had come. Yes everyone was disturbed and upset by this behaviour by papa, but no one asked or said anything as it was a very auspicious occasion and they didn’t wanted to spoil the folly. So the ceremony went very well and like my mamma wanted I was named Shreya….but still she was not contented and how could she…she was very upset by papa’s absence in such an important ceremony of their daughter. But she didn’t utter a word about that when she came back to Pune and met papa. As time sped away she forgot about that, years went by and many things were changing for good or bad I don’t know. Day by day I felt everything was the same but as I turned back everything had changed.
*****
Yes I have those photos in an album and in every photo there is a similarity, he was missing there. How could he not attend his first child’s naming ceremony but he did so and I never found out the reason of his absence. But in all photos I saw one more similarity my mamma’s smile was missing..Because she was missing papa…as it is said, ‘life goes on’…it went on…
*****

It was another weekend but there were some special moments i need to tell you... yes WE met after four long years WE met.... Old school gang of mine...my childhood buddies...some important people of my childhood phase.
It was always the six of us, together bonded throughout the school time. Never had we though we can be separated but things are destined. The last time all the six of us met was on friendship day just after our tenth board results were announced and it took us four years to meet again...ya some of us met from time to time but not all the six..
Time changes...time heals...time runs...time stops...experienced all of this at some point in life...but really time never change alone it takes people along with it while its journey towards CHANGE...
Yes we met...but we were not the same...our personality our choices and most important our thinking about each other has changed...still I wish we were the same with...innocent thoughts....stupid logic...selfless friendship and pure mindset....but its FINE even if its not the SAME....because our generation has
mastered one art perfectly that is accepting the CHANGE...we have got used to this...updating everything in our life....from phones to the versions and from attitude to love.....
CHANGE FOR BETTERMENT OR........

Its not always what we want its about what we need....there is a big difference.
sometimes its unexpected but sometimes its just the way we want it to happen.
The way things happen in my life, it leaves me with a big question mark on my face and with bruises on my heart....he said he liked me that why he just wanted to stay away for sometime as if by that the liking will walk away. But now he says that it was just mere attraction/ infatuation and now he is over t and have moved on.
So now he feels safe to talk to me, he called me a good and trustworthy friend then instead of hiding he should have confessed it i would have surely understood with an open mind....
when i say i'm open minded that doesn't mean i can carry on bold outfits be friendly and get along with guys....its that i can simply try to understand things then react to it not like a dumb to create a mess.... but fine some people deserve my silence so let it be as it is...i have accepted things till now as it is and when they come but some things aren't easy to forget....
ONE THING I CAN DO IS TO CHOOSE THOUGHTS THAT REALLY DESERVE MY TIME AND DISCARD REMAINING USELESS STUFF....WITH A DELETE OR IGNORE BUTTON...!!!!!!

Its like any other Sunday....no fun just boredom. I wish I had something interesting to do, well then i found this "DIARY". Its strange how anyone can just jot down there everyday notes but hell yeah its fun too.
I got up late and and lazed around whole day with my laptop , with nothing else to do. But this is what is supposed to be done on a Sunday right simply relax and do NOTHING and feel EMPTY.
This Emptiness takes me down the lane to some memories dug deep... Its June now and rains have started in Mumbai. People who looked forward for arrival of monsoon have already started cursing the season. Everyone wants rain droplets to wash off their summer sweat but no one wants waterlogged roads, flooded tracks and delayed trains. Local trains have got added in basic need list of every commoner. People in Mumbai have spent half of their day in these extra rushed trains.
Here I'm sitting on my bed and staring outside the window at nothing in particular but seeing this drizzling and winds blowing i wish tomorrow it won't rain much because I have to step out of my house.
Is it only me or everyone is thinking the same, its the first time I feel that monsoon has come with strong winds in it pockets. Well its just the beginning.
Another day just passed and I wish to do something more appropriate tomorrow so I have something exciting to write in here....
WAITING FOR A BETTER TOMORROW....