Bk's Diary

I write and delete it. The letters in my head gets jumbled up every time I start to write. Perhaps there are too many things that I want to say. The words keeps becoming dizzy as I start concentrating on the sound that my keybaord makes with every single click and with every set separated by the a space. I keep writing, unable to decide from where to start., unable to find a reason for what I am doing. Now I wonder about the people outside the door. Its funny how they are able to judge me over a set of common events and words. I can barely understand them myself. They keep judging and its funny how they keep looking for one single mistake or misspoke words coming from me and for them thats all they need. I feel smothered, living in a world where one mistake is what defines a person. Yes they are judging. Why I wonder, because they hate me? perhaps because they dont trust me. But if thats the case then its impossible to trust any one. But perhaps its because every one considers the worst case scenario for their safety. But it still defines idiotic shallow mindedness. Ahh too much complications I am tired of thinking. I must get some sleep...too damn complicated pepole..

Dear diary,
Its getting hard to wear mask. Each day I undergo fear unable to bear the guilt of whom I have become. The empty smile keeps fading off every time I wear it in no time. I am not weak. That doesn't mean I am invincible. I have limits too. It makes feel like more I tolerate the more I will be made to suffer. How can I take all of it? I wonder. I have started avoiding the mirrors for it reminds me of nothing but fragility and my failure. The life has an inevitable ability to make a sinner pay for his/her mistake, but its so damn unfair when someone else is made to suffer for my mistake. I hate it for that. I try to get away from such thoughts, the same thoughts that puts me in gloomy mood. Yet even among people I care about it haunts me like a monsters of the dark. Its funny how love that is supposed to give you strength turns into a reason for my weakness. I have become a man of fragility and disgrace. I know none but you with whom I can share. Yes, even among people I care about and who care about me, I am alone. All alone .
Bk